dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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