afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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