and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
