my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
