she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm both gender and math confused
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
