My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize
