The maid of honor just puked.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
