so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
