You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
