I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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