If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
