I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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