I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
