Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
