Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
