if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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