I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
