I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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