You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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