I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
