why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
