Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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