I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
