There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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