note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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