That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
