I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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