Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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