sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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