i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
