We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i used baking grease as lip gloss
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
