i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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