Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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