i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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