If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
