I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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