Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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