you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
