we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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