My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
