I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
