...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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