I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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