My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
no you cant smoke seaweed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Holy shit dude........stairs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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