apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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