He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
