Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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