3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
