I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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