I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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