Umm I'm too high to move.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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