If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
