Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
