I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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