Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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