Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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