Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
