Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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