Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
