happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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