cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
