i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
