Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
