it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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